Crappy August ...

I'm winding down this month at the exact same spot that I started it ... I'm at 34.4 pounds gone. The past three weeks have been a roller coaster of stress eating, inconsistent exercising and just plain blah-ness. I won't go into the gory details. Suffice it to say that I didn't have my head in the game this month.

This week, I'm back to the basics again. I will be drinking all my water, eating all my veggies/fruits/grains/etc, and walking at least 3 times a week. I lost 2 pounds this week, which I consider a gift since I haven't done a single thing to deserve that loss. The next loss I get, though, I'll know I earned.

Two steps forward, one step back ...

I'm a little frustrated with myself this week. I blew my knee out running the week before last, so I cut way back on my walking this past week so that it could heal. So even though I really paid attention to everything I ate, the scale showed a 1.8 pound gain anyway. Grrrr.

I know I shouldn't be disappointed. It's not like I gained the whole 36 pounds I lost so far, but I felt like I was really hitting my stride and I wanted to keep up the momentum. Plus, it's sooo motivating to see myself losing consistently again when I felt like I was gaining/losing the same 5-6 pounds for a while, ya know?

But I guess that's life. And I've really got to look at the big picture. My total weight loss over the course of 7 months averages at a little over a pound a week. I know that's the healthy way to lose weight, and I have to keep reminding myself that this isn't a race. If it was, I would have signed up for gastic bypass and been done with it all.

Anyway, my knee is doing much better, so I'm back to walking (not running). Hopefully, combined with my under-control eating, this will make a difference on the scale Thursday.

** keeping my fingers crossed **

Self-sabotage anyone?

I'm up 1.2 pounds, but I'm not suprised about it. I didn't take any morning walks for the last 2 weeks, I stopped tracking what I was eating, and I ate way too much. I can't even say that cared either.

And that's what scared me.

Is this how it's going to be everytime I hit a big milestone or start feeling really good? Is this how I reward myself? If so, then I've got to figure out a better way because this 2 steps forward, 1 step back approach I've been taking is not so good on my psyche. I deserve better than this.

So. I'm refocusing (again). I walked 2.5 miles this morning, drank all my water today, tracked everything I put in my mouth, and -- suprise, suprise -- I feel great. I also had a couple of a-ha moments today. The first came from a girl on the WW message boards. She was quoting a book she was reading and it said:

"People don’t fall off track because they do the wrong exercises at the gym. They fall off track because they stop going, just for a day or two, and then never go back. I’ve worked on this with thousands of patients, and it’s the habit and routine of exercise that lead to success.

Luckily, you can rewire your brain with structure and routine. Just take that amazing life skill you started building the first day you showed up for kindergarten and turn it to a new purpose. Show up at the gym. Think of it as a great job, which it is. It will change your life, slowly but surely, because once you show up you are virtually certain to do some meaningful exercise. And even if you don’t, you will show up again tomorrow. That’s the key – showing up again tomorrow for the rest of your life."

This just totally resonated with me as I read it this morning after my walk because there I was deciding to SHOW UP yet again for this healthy life that I'm choosing for myself. I might have fallen off track for a week or two, but I'm not allowing myself to get totally derailed. I'm choosing to keep showing up (in spite of myself, sometimes).

My second a-ha moment came during a phone conversation with my middle sister this afternoon regarding my mother's breast cancer. I was flashing back to when I was 14 and watching my own mother deal with HER mother's illness and remembering how scared I was then for my grandmother -- and knowing how scared I am now for my mom. In that instant I realized that if I don't take care of myself and get healthy, I will be putting my own children through what my sisters and I are going through right now. I can't do that to them. Scratch that. I won't do that to them.

So here I am -- going back to the basics so that I can continue this journey to get healthy. Next week, I will post about how I walked 4 times this week and how I wrote down everything I ate. I'll also be bragging about how I got in all my water and fruits and veggies, and how great I feel!

Here's hoping, right?

Week of milestones ...

Before I start, I'll just admit now that I gained 0.6 pounds. I'm not upset about it though because I did everything right this week. In fact, I journaled all my food, I ate all the right things in the right amounts, and I walked 2 miles three times this week. I think I gained because my body is adjusting to the new exercise routine (walking in the morning), and because I ate more whole foods and less junk than I normally do. I think that next week, the scale will reflect all my hard work this past week. I just have to keep doing what I'm doing.

The milestones I want to brag about tonight are non-scale milestones. The first one is that I'm WALKING. I'm getting up and moving -- and I'm really, really enjoying it. As a mother of two toddlers, it's next to impossible to get some time alone with your own thoughts. But by walking every morning by myself, I'm getting a good 45 minutes to think clearly and get my day started. As a result, I have more energy and I can focus better during the day. I feel like my attitude is so much better, too!

The second milestone is that I'm taking control of cooking in the house. Don't faint dead away! Despite my limited culinary experience (we're talking soup and toast, people), the meals I've learned to make are actually pretty good! Most of the recipes I'm using are from Weight Watchers, so they are low calorie and fit well into my new lifestyle that I'm trying to create. I'm happy to report that my kids are enjoying the food, and that my husband usually requests second helpings! I'm actually relieved that my family is embracing this new lifestyle as well. I've always worried that because I'm overweight and my husband is overweight that our kids will eventually go down that same path. That fear is lessening now that we are ALL eating healthier and I hope that by introducing new and healthier foods to the kids at such a young age, they'll be less vulnerable to the mistakes I've made in my life.

The third milestone is that I'm getting so much better at planning. I actually planned our entire week's worth of dinners today AND made a grocery list so that I can pick up all the food tomorrow. I'm very proud of myself.

So, despite the weight gain this week, there are a lot of positives going on. I feel like I've hit another groove in this healthy lifestyle I'm trying to create for me and my family, and it feels great. Regardless, I'm crossing my fingers that next week's weigh-in is a big loss ... wouldn't that be so nice?

Another step back, but it's okay.

I gained a pound over the last two weeks. I didn't weigh-in last week because I was vacationing in Disney World with the husband and kids, so this gain is over a two week period. I didn't track what I ate at all even though I tried to eat mostly fish entrees and lots of fruits and veggies. I also didn't drink enough water for how hot it was, and I'm sure the sodium in the prepared meals we ate was probably pretty high. I did, however, walk EVERYWHERE during the eight days we were on vacation. And I was successful at not eating any of my trigger foods (cotton candy, churros, chocolate, etc). In fact, I missed some meals altogether -- which probably didn't help with the scale because everyone knows you have to eat to lose weight.

This week, I'm back on track AGAIN. I'm getting in all my water, I'm writing down everything I eat, and I'm getting in at least 30 minutes of activity every day. I feel in control now that I'm back into my routine at home, and in familiar surroundings with my own food. And while I'm not particularly happy about the one pound gain, this is not the worst thing that can happen. I mean, if I lost that pound before, I can lose it again! Haha!

A minor set-back ...

So this week I gained 1.6 pounds. Ugh. I'm so annoyed with myself. I know exactly where I went wrong. There was that child's birthday party I attended with the yummy, greasy mini hot dogs in phyllo dough and then the brownies that I made with my kids that I resisted for a good 24 hours before I caved and ate half the tray. I don't even want to get into the amount of stress that I've felt over the last week ... more bad news from my mom's oncologist and the anticipation of additional surgeries in her battle against breast cancer.

So I'm taking this as a sign -- a sign that I can't ever just have one piece of anything sinful. I just don't have the will power yet to limit myself like that. When I'm under this kind of stress, and have unhealthy food in front of me, I will always give myself permission to eat as much as I can until I'm numb. Hell, that's what got me into this mess in the first place!

While I'm pissed at myself for allowing a gain this past week, I'm looking at it as a learning experience. I have to remember that my journey to lose weight is going to be a long one, and that there are going to set-backs. That's just life. But as long as I stay focused and committed to this journey, the weight will continue to come off.

Moving forward this week, I will get back on track by focusing on the basics. I will drink all my water. I will not go over on my daily points allowance (I won't even tap into my flex points) and I will avoid all unhealthy food choices until I feel strong enough to resist them.

With a little luck and a lot of commitment, I hope to post a loss of more than 1.6 pounds next week.